I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
