Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
