watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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