today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
