I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
