So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
