Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
