mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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