Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
