You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm getting married
To pizza
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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