you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
