I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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