I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
