So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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