Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
