You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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