i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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