The beer is more important than you right now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
