I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
