Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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