I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
