Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You can't just leave with hair like that
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize