i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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