i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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