I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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