Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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