I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
