let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize