So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
