my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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