The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The air taste purple.
Randomize
