I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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