If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
