I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
