dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
