Moan for me like Helen Keller
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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