I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
