I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
