i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I wish I only lived at night.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
