I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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