My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
