so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
