There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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