Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's official drugs can't kill me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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