You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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