I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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