im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he was CRYING into my vagina
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
