that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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