This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I faked an abortion last night.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
