Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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