I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
