ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
