so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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