I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
