I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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