Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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