Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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