after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You've changed since you got that strap on
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
