Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
