meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
