i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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