For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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