She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
