After last night, I could never be a politician.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize