i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
