I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
