i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
