New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize