Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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