so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
