Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
